Governor Sanders Bravely Reimagines Maternal Care As Purely Symbolic

In a bold display of fiscal bravery, Governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders has taken decisive action to shield new Arkansas mothers from the existential threat of too much postpartum care.

“Arkansas moms don’t need a whole year of Medicaid coverage,” the governor’s office declared in a press release. “Two months is more than enough time to recover from childbirth, stabilize mental health, and navigate the crushing demands of new parenthood. Anything more would be socialism.”

The statement was delivered at a press conference flanked by two taxidermied bald eagles and a vintage Bible once waved at a Reagan rally.

The Healthy Moms, Healthy Babies Act — described by experts as “a pamphlet stapled to a budget cut” — has been lauded by the governor’s supporters for “doing something, which is more than nothing, and we love that for her.”

The bill allocates just enough funding to stage photo ops in pediatric waiting rooms and emboss commemorative Lee Greenwood King James Version Bibles for newborns, but intentionally restricts handouts for things like help with c-section recovery or postpartum depression.

“It’s a bold vision,” one political consultant said. “She’s reimagining care as purely symbolic.”

Critics argue that rejecting federal funds to extend postpartum care is leaving thousands of low-income mothers at risk. But Sanders explained that the state simply couldn’t afford the federal government’s generous offer, stating “There just wasn’t room in the budget to indulge low-income moms with what they ‘claim’ are the basic necessities of human survival.”

“We were forced to choose between $2.4 million for maternal health and $1.2 billion for a new prison,” said one aide, anonymously, while meticulously sorting the governor’s collection of signed Duck Dynasty memorabilia by political loyalty and potential resale value. “And you know how she feels about Trump-style luxury.”

When asked why Arkansas remains the only state to decline the funding, Sanders doubled down: “We don’t follow trends. We follow values. And our values say maternal health care is a luxury, like expensive lecterns for actual hardworking people.”

Sanders went on to add that Arkansas intends to continue leading the nation in maternal mortality, citing it as evidence of the “resilience and grit” for which Arkansas women are known. 

This week, the governor’s office is set to unveil plans for “an even better initiative” called “Thoughts & Prayers: A Spiritual First-Aid Kit for Moms,” complete with a Thurston Farms scented candle and a QR code to a sermon about perseverance.

When asked about the initiative, Sanders commented, “This is quite literally the least I can do.”