Lawmakers save state from the scourge of democracy

In a courageous move to protect Arkansans from the perils of self-governance, this month lawmakers introduced a groundbreaking slate of anti-democracy bills designed to ensure that regular citizens have absolutely no say in their own laws.

“We looked around and saw a dangerous trend: people thinking they had the right to participate in their government,” said Sen. Kim Hammer, a fearless warrior against ballot initiatives. “We knew we had to act fast before the citizens of Arkansas got any more ideas about exercising their rights.”

The bills include such commonsense measures as SB208, which requires voters to present a government-issued photo ID before signing a petition. Nothing secures democracy quite like making sure fewer people can engage in it.

Other measures will grant officials the power to throw out entire pages of signatures over minor clerical errors, force petition signers to read entire ballot titles aloud before signing, and establish an Election Police force to investigate anyone who dares challenge government authority.

“We’re not anti-democracy,” clarified another lawmaker. “We’re just very, very pro-bureaucracy. And if there’s one thing Arkansans love, it’s jumping through unnecessary hoops.”

Citizens across the state have been quick to react, mostly by looking around in confusion and asking, “Wait, didn’t we already vote against this?” But lawmakers insist that this time will be different because they’ve rigged the process so no one can stop them.

The governor’s office has already signaled strong support for the bills, stating, “We believe in government for the people, by the people, as long as the people don’t actually try to govern.”